


Love Me Like You Do

by JemTheKingOfSass



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cutting, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, I’m so sorry Rin, M/M, Post-Free! Eternal Summer, Prompt Fic, Prompt Fill, Rin in Australia, Self-Harm, Songfic, This is like a year old and I'm posting it now, This may be canon compliant but I will not believe this is how Rin coped, Triggers, Tumblr Prompt, very vague mention of a brief suicidal thought
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-09 18:02:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13486833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JemTheKingOfSass/pseuds/JemTheKingOfSass
Summary: “Rin, I hate Australia.”“It’s not Australia’s fault, it’s me. I wanted to get back what I lost there, that’s why I went. One year of training before coming home for university and swimming with you. One year for a giant ‘fuck you’ to the country that almost ruined me.”“I don’t want to blame you. I want to blame Australia.”“But that's where you found your dream, Haru.”“No. It was you who showed it to me. You get the credit, not that place.”Rin knew he would never win an argument with Haru if he dug his heels in, so he gave this one up. “Go ahead. Hate Australia, I pretty much hate it too.”





	Love Me Like You Do

**Author's Note:**

> **TW: mentions of cutting, self-harm, self-hatred**
> 
>  
> 
> This was a prompt I received _ages_ ago, and I wrote this, but was too nervous over posting anything I'd written. Somehow over the last year, I chose to pull on my big girl pants of confidence and I'm finally putting this up (I actually forgot about it until stumbling across the file recently). I should probably edit it. I have always been fascinated by Rin's time abroad, but this took a more somber turn than I expected. It's not a pretty topic; heed the trigger warnings/tags. It has a positive ending!  
>     
>   
>   
> Andy, even though thankfully this isn't canon, I hope this gives you a new angle on Rin and inspires you to even fall in love with him a little bit! He tries so hard. I adore him. <3 Also, I hope this fills the prompt in a way you imagined!  
>    
> The first half of this story progresses chronologically throughout the school year, beginning at “Nine months earlier” until reaching the present time.
> 
> Take a shot every time Rin says he’s “fine”. The unavoidable buzz will help when you think too hard about affectionate, driven, big-hearted Rin alone in Australia dealing with his issues by himself.
> 
>    
> 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_Nine months earlier_

 

**_You're the fear, I don't care  
Because I've never been so high_**

 

“Rin, it’s not forever,” Haru stated as his arms held onto his friend a little tighter. “You leave tomorrow, but in a few months you’ll be back for New Years, and then it’s just a few more months until you’re home for good.”

 

Rin trembled slightly as he considered Haru’s words. “I need to do this for myself, but I don’t want to leave.”

 

“Why?” Haru questioned, releasing the hug in order to run his hands down Rin’s shaking arms. “You were so sure when you got that invite from your old club, why the cold feet?”

 

Watery crimson eyes looked up into azure ones. They held so many emotions, Haru could not identify them all, but he was sure he spotted fear among them.

 

“Rin, what’s wrong?”

 

A gasping intake of breath was all Haru heard before a forehead landed on his shoulder. 

 

“Haru,” Rin mumbled into Haru’s shirt. “I don’t want to leave you.” 

 

A slender hand pushed Rin's perpetually in-his-eyes bangs up off his skin, then moved under his chin to lift his damp face. “I’m not going anywhere. We’re good. Australia won’t change that this time.”

 

“What if I’m making a mistake?”

 

“You are tough, Rin. You’ll conquer whatever ghosts are waiting for you.”

 

Haru was so confident in him, so sure he could overcome any obstacle. Not for the first or last time, Rin wondered how someone else could have more conviction in him than he did in himself. Haru, his mother, Gou, Sousuke, Ai, they all believed in him, had put their faith in him, felt he could rise to the top with grace and strength.

 

“Wait for me, Haru,” Rin pleaded, his voice cracking. He had felt capable and confident this past year, after his friends had restored his belief in himself through the magic of teamwork and the relay, the power of friendship and forgiveness. Every day he'd felt better than the day that preceded it. However, over the last few weeks, he had begun to feel a crushing pressure building until he felt small and weak, Australia’s shadow looming large in his periphery.

 

Haru now gripped his hands, trying to pass courage through his fingers into Rin’s. “Of course I’ll wait for you. I-” He stopped abruptly, not wanting those three careless words to derail his friend even more than he was already veering off course. They had played at dating over the summer, but it was casual, nothing cemented into place with formal confessions or declared in romantic gestures. It had started innocently enough, and both young men had gone with the flow, too busy enjoying their renewed connection to want to define what they were becoming to each other. Hand-holding, easy kisses, heads rested on shoulders, those were the simple motions that indicated they were shifting together into something deeper and more devoted.

 

“You what, Haru?”

 

Haru looked at the unsure, tear-stained face in front of him and made a reckless decision he hoped would not come back to haunt him. “I love you, Rin.”

 

Rin’s eyes widened and were hesitant. “Why are you telling me this now? You already said you’d wait, you don’t need to say anything you don’t mean.”

 

“I want to. And I do mean it. I want you to know it and believe it while we’re apart. I want you to wait for me too,” Haru was never comfortable expressing his feelings so abruptly, but he sensed now was a time for full disclosure. Rin was leaving tomorrow, and he needed to hear this before his departure.

 

“I’ll come home to you, Haru, I promise. I-I love you, too,” Rin managed to get out, though he felt like he had no air left in his lungs. His fingers were turning white with the force of Haru’s grasp. He gently pressed their heads together, trying to steal some of Haru’s belief in him.

 

After some time of just being in each other’s presence, Rin managed to extricate his hands. “I have to get back to my mom’s house. Gou is cooking me a send-off dinner. I’m sure there will be enough food, you should come with me.”

 

Haru shook his head regretfully. “I’m spending the night at the Tachibana’s. Makoto and I leave tomorrow too. We’re going a few days early so we can find an apartment. Kisumi is going to help us look and has the next two days open.”

 

Rin nodded in a grudging acceptance, stepping back in a rush from Haru. “I guess this is it then.”

 

“Rin.”

 

“I’m fine. I’ll call you when I land,” Rin tossed over his shoulder as he all but ran down the stairs from Haru’s house.

 

Haru watched him walk away until he was just a distant blur of red, unsure of what they had just admitted to each other. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_2 days later_

 

**_Love me like you do, touch me like you do  
What are you waiting for?_ **

 

“Sorry I didn’t call last night, Russell and Lori accosted me as soon as my feet hit the ground. I couldn’t get away.”

 

“You texted me, I knew you were safe. We’re talking now.”

 

“Yeah. We should probably discuss what we said in front of your house.”

 

“We probably should.”

 

“I wasn’t running away from you, Haru. I think if I’d stayed any longer I wouldn’t have ever left.”

 

“That would be okay, except for the fact that you’ve wanted to go back to Sydney since your old coach contacted you and invited you back. It’s where you should be right now.”

 

“Yeah, I guess. Well I’m here now, and I'm fine, so I should make the most of it.”

 

“You’ll be great, Rin. You’ll break through any wall you encounter this time. We’re all waiting on the other side for you. And I’m going to be working my hardest to make sure we will swim together when you come back.”

 

“Ha! You’re not going to get soft this time?”

 

“Not a chance. Not only do I have you to answer to next summer, but I’ll have a coach kicking my butt all year. I won’t have a chance to get soft.”

 

“Did you guys find an apartment?”

 

“Yeah, we compromised on one with an _ofuro_ , a _kotatsu_ , and a gas range. It’ll be fine for the year.”

 

“That’s great that you and Makoto can live together. I got spoiled by rooming with Sousuke, it was nice living with my best friend. Someone who knew most of my shit, you know?”

 

“I don’t know how I would deal with a random roommate. I don’t think anyone could deal with me.”

 

“Ha! Probably not. Makoto is a saint!”

 

“Shut up, Rin. And yes he is.”

 

“Umm, so Haru?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Are we, uhhh, together? Trying to do this long distance?”

 

“Together?”

 

“Like, boyfriends or something? I mean, we both said we’d wait for each other and we confessed our feelings and so, I don’t know. Is there a name for that, are we dating?”

 

“Do we need a name for it?”

 

“Haru! Yeah I think we do.”

 

“Then yes, I’d be happy to be your boyfriend. And I want you to be mine.”

 

“Oh gods Haru, why is this such an embarrassing conversation? Okay, well, I’ve got to go now and meet my roommate and get settled. I’ll talk to you later, I guess.”

 

“I’m glad you arrived safely. Go get it, Rin.”

 

“I will Haru. I’ll be fine. So uhh, I love you.”

 

“I love you, too, Rin.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_Eight months earlier_

 

**_I'll let you set the pace  
Because I'm not thinking straight_ **

 

“Things are fine, I guess. I hurt my ankle during dry land today,” Rin laughed deprecatingly.

 

“What happened? I thought I was the hopeless one on the ground?” Haru quipped. He saw Rin lifting his shoulders from thousands of miles away on his computer screen.

 

“Eh, I was zoning out and didn’t see this pothole in the road. It isn’t too serious but I have to stay out of the water for like a week. I can do upper body stuff, that’s about it.” 

 

Haru frowned. “That’s too bad. How are you handling it so far?”

 

Rin shrugged again with a smirk on his face. “It’s fine, I suppose. I mean, my stroke can use a lot of back and shoulder training so it could be worse. This is just an excuse to get more ripped.”

 

With a roll of his eyes, Haru scoffed. “You win, Rin. You’ll always have bigger muscles than me, okay? I’m the one who gets to ogle them and when you’re back, I’m the one who’ll get to feel them. I can run my hands down your totally built shoulders, down your rock hard pecs, until I get to those rippling abs you’re so proud of. I’ll linger there for awhile, feeling every ridge and dip and then I’ll slowly move lower, right to where-”

 

“Ah Haru! My roommate will be back any minute, this can’t be a dirty video call. Plus we’ve never even done anything like that before, I don’t know what I’m doing here,” Rin’s blushing face looked accusingly at Haru.

 

Haru chuckled. “I was just pointing out that I’ll benefit from your dedication to your fitness. How is your roommate?”

 

“Eh, he’s fine now.”

 

“Things are better?”

 

“Yeah, it was a little rocky at first but I don’t think he meant anything by the shit he said. It’s fine.”

 

“What did he say? You never told me, you just said he made some idiotic comments.”

 

“It’s not important.”

 

“Rin.”

 

“Well, he saw a picture of us that I had on my desk and he asked if you were my best friend, and I decided in a fit of honesty to tell him you’re my boyfriend. He got kinda weird and said some homophobic shit. So like an even bigger idiot, I told him I’m bisexual, and then he made a few comments about how he hopes I won’t try to get into a threesome when his girl is over and crap like that. I had to assure him that I’m not even remotely attracted to his dumb scrawny ass and, more importantly, I’m not planning on cheating on you.”

 

“Annoying.”

 

“Whatever, he’s a douche and I only have to put up with him a few more months. I can’t wait to come home.”

 

“For New Years?”

 

“Yeah, but I mean permanently. I’m done with Australia.”

 

“You’ve done what you needed to do?”

 

“No I just don’t want to be here anymore. I’d rather be with you. Fuck this place. I’m a Japanese swimmer, I should be in Japan. Whatever, it’s fine.”

 

“Soon, Rin.”

 

“Ah, the aforementioned vaginal water sack is opening the door, I should get going. Bye Haru, I love you.”

 

“I love you too, Rin. Talk to you later.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_Five months earlier_

 

**_Fading in, fading out  
On the edge of paradise_ **

 

“Why are you calling me, shouldn’t you be packing, Rin? Besides, we’ll see each other tomorrow.”

 

“Well, actually Haru...”

 

“What?”

 

“I’m, uhhh, going to just stay here for my break. The dorms are open the entire time because there are so many international students and well, I just think it’s smart to not fall behind.”

 

“Are you falling behind?”

 

“No, not really too badly, I mean, I’m not doing great with my times right now but it’s alright. 

 

“Not alright enough for you to want to leave though.”

 

“It’s fine, I’m fine. It just feels like the right decision. I’m sorry Haru, I know I’m letting you down and Gou is gonna rip me new one, I haven’t even told my mom yet. I wanted to call you first.”

 

“I’ll survive Rin. It’s just a few more months. Are you sure everything is okay?”

 

“Everything is fine, Haru. I’m fine. I’m going to go do some extra laps.”

 

“Alright. I love you, Rin. Call me whenever you need me. I’ll have my phone with me all the time, it’ll even be charged.”

 

“Bye Haru, I love you, too.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_Three months earlier_

 

**_You’re the light, you’re the night  
You’re the color of my blood_ **

 

Rin looked at his reflection in the mirror. He looked drawn and tired. He had considered going back to Japan for the club’s week-long break in March, to Tokyo, to surprise Haru. But as he gazed at the person staring back at him in disgust, he knew that his boyfriend would see right through him as soon as he took so much as a glance at him face-to-face. 

 

Rin tucked all his implements back into his little leather pouch and examined the shower stall, making sure he’d left no incriminating evidence behind. He held his towel around his waist, grabbed his belongings, and headed back to his room. His roommate was absent from their space, as usual, choosing to spend as little time around Rin as possible. Given his return to old habits, Rin was glad of spending all his waking hours swimming in the pool, circuit training at the gym, talking to Haru, or being completely and utterly alone. 

 

Rin picked up his clothes and dropped his towel. He again saw his reflection, this time of his whole body. What he saw made him want to crawl up into a ball and weep for all the time he’s wasted, all the people he’s failed, all the delusions he’d let himself cling to and believe. Rin turned his head away from the full-length mirror and threw on his pants as fast as he could, wishing there was more than just clothing to cover up everything he hated about himself. 

 

He reached for his phone and called Haru. 

_The person you have dialed is currently unavailable. Please leave your name and call back number for_ ‘Nanase Haruka’ _at the tone._

 

Rin cursed and called Sousuke, followed by Makoto.

_Yo, it’s Sousuke, holler at me._

_Hello, you have reached Tachibana Makoto. Please leave your message and I will get back to you. If this is about swim class, please call the club directly so someone can get in touch with you immediately._

 

Rin almost threw his phone in frustration, then called his sister.

_Hi! This is Matsouka Gou and I’m away from my phone. Leave me a message and I’ll get back to you! Have a great day!_

 

“Fuuuuck!” 

 

The phone was not so lucky after the fourth recorded voice Rin was forced to hear, and it went crashing into the wall underneath the window. Rin looked at it, still completely intact, mocking him. He was disappointed, he had wanted it to be broken, to be shattered into pieces. At least then there would have been something else in ugly jagged shards that he could despise even more than himself.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_One month earlier_

 

**_My head's spinning around  
I can't see clear no more_ **

 

“ _Ohayō_ , Rin, how's it going?”

 

“Fine, Haru.”

 

“You haven’t been answering your video calls or phone calls as much lately. I miss seeing you. I like your face. I like your voice. I feel like it’s all texting lately.”

 

“Somehow you’ve survived without hearing me rant and having to look at my handsome visage.”

 

“Somehow, Rin.”

 

“Are you done with your finals?”

 

“Just about done. I’ve got two more exams to take, and then it’s just wrapping up official swim stuff before we get our off-season training regiments. Are you still all set to come home next weekend?”

 

“Yeah, I’ve got training the rest of this week, prepping for our last meet this weekend, and then tying up loose ends next week. I’m flying out next Saturday.”

 

“I wasn’t sure, you only mentioned the date once awhile back, and I don't know if I remembered it right. Are you still going to email me your itinerary? I have to pick you up and you could be flying into Haneda or Narita.”

 

“Oh damn, I was supposed to send that to you. Sorry, Haru, I totally forgot. Here, I’ll do it right now so I don’t fail again.”

 

“Seriously? Rin, you don’t forget anything.”

 

“Yeah well, don’t take it personally. It really did just slip my mind.”

 

“Are you sure everything is okay with you?”

 

“Everything is fine. I’m fine.”

 

“You’ve been saying you’re fine for months now. Oh your email just came. Narita it is. It makes it more real. I can’t wait for you to be here, I’ve missed you, Rin.”

 

“I’ve missed you too, Haru, it’s been a long year.”

 

“Did you take care of everything you needed to do in Australia?”

 

“Hey, I’ve got a session with my trainer in the weight room in like five minutes. I’ve gotta go. I love you, Haru.”

 

“I love you, too. Bye, Rin.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_Present time_

 

**_Every inch of your skin is a holy grail I've got to find  
Only you can set my heart on fire, on fire_ **

 

Haru grabbed Rin’s hand and pulled him up the stairs to his front door. “I thought we’d have more time alone together, but everyone is back in Iwatobi.”

 

“I know, it’s a little overwhelming after not seeing anybody since last summer,” Rin agreed, while letting himself get manhandled inside Haru’s house. The door slid shut, and Haru used his collegiate swimmer earned strength to shove Rin up against the wall, attacking his face with his mouth. Rin melted as a moan escaped his throat, and pushed back into the kiss, His hands went for Haru’s back, to tug him closer, so their bodies were flush. Haru’s fingers were tangled up in soft, crimson locks, as he pulled away slightly.

 

“Let’s take this up to my room,” he panted into Rin’s neck

 

They looked at each, eyes locked together, as they raced up the stairs. The two young men burst into the room, breathing hard, and crashed back together. Their mouths latched together and arms encircled one another until Rin’s knees started to buckle. Rin walked his partner backwards until Haru’s legs hit the back of the bed, and they both fell on top of the familiar striped quilt that smelled of the ocean, chlorine, and something distinctly and uniquely Haru.

 

Haru reached between them to run his hands along the hem of Rin’s shirt, and work his hands under it to smooth across tense abdominal muscles. He gripped the shirt and started tugging, which made Rin sit back so Haru could pull it off. Haru chose that moment to flip Rin over and straddle him, so he could take off his own jersey, as well as have better access to Rin’s chest to grope.

 

They continued nibbling on jaws and ears, sucking along necks and shoulders, as hands roamed over expanses of toned, exposed skin. Haru was the first to shift to something more, as he started gliding down Rin’s body, licking a hot, wet trail over nipples and navel, until he reached the waistband of Rin’s pants. He peered up at his boyfriend, with a cock of his eyebrow and a finger running under fabric. 

 

“Rin, I’ve wanted to do more with you since you came home. May I?”

 

“Do whatever, keep going. As much as I love making out with you, I think we’ve been patient long enough,” Rin breathed out, looking down at Haru. He ran his hands through black hair and over strong shoulders, it was all he could reach. He felt Haru undo his button and pull down the zipper. He lifted his hips so the pants could be worked down and off his legs.

 

“Haru, stop!” Rin all but shouted, as an image of his legs assailed his mind. He backed himself against the headboard, struggling to hold up his chinos as he moved. He tried to glare, but he felt too ashamed and out of control for it to be effective.

 

Haru just stared back at him, truly looking at Rin for the first time since he’d returned from Australia. His brows knit together, like he did not like what he was seeing. “What’s wrong, Rin?”

 

“Nothing, it’s just fast,” spluttered an increasingly flustered Rin. “I don’t want to do this yet.”

 

“Okay, then we’ll wait,” Haru responded, the vision of calm. “Any idea what we’re waiting for?”

 

Rin was shutting down, pulling away, revealing everything Haru disliked seeing in those eyes. He wanted fire and determination, while all he saw was sorrow, exhaustion, and what appeared to be shame.

 

Rin shook his head. “I’m just not ready.”

 

“It’s alright, Rin,” Haru reached his hand out. “Let’s go take a bath and relax.”

 

Haru heard a small sigh of relief escape from Rin before he tightened up again, and the sigh turned into a choke. 

 

“No, Haru, I don’t want a bath. Let’s just go eat or something,” Rin fussed with his hands and twitched like his skin was too small to contain him.

 

Haru’s heart plummeted. He knew whatever was going on with Rin was not going to be anything simple, it never was. Haru had an uncomfortable feeling buried in his gut, twisting into knots. Something felt off, he just did not know what it was.

 

“Rin, talk to me,” Haru maintained his spot at the foot of the bed, while Rin tried to disappear into the wood at his back.

 

“There’s nothing to talk about. I’m fine.”

 

“You’re upset about something, and it’s not about sex, and it’s not about me.”

 

“It’s nothing, we’re fine.”

 

“I agree, I think we’re fine. But you, Rin, what about you?”

 

Rin’s hands clenched into fists, fingernails digging grooves into his palms. Haru watched those hands, concern mounting as he saw how hard Rin was working his fingers. Rin’s eyes were pinched shut, like he could not bear the weight of Haru’s look. He had never seen him quite like this, trying to escape into himself.

 

Haru scooted up the mattress and reached for Rin, trying to carefully disengage his hands from their damaging ministrations. Burgundy eyes snapped open, expression like a cornered animal. 

 

“Haru. I’m fine.”

 

“Whatever this is, Rin, it’s not fine. You can tell me. I’m listening.”

 

“You’ll think I’m weak and gross. You’ll hate me.”

 

“Never,” Haru declared, with a fierce determination few people ever got to witness.

 

Rin stared at Haru for several agonizing minutes, breathing in deep gulps of air, as he gathered his resolve to bare himself to the one person he was most afraid to show his true self. Slowly, his hands moved to his already unbuttoned pants and he worked them down, until he was only in his underwear. 

 

“I wish I was everything you think I am,” Rin mumbled under his breath.

 

Haru looked mildly confused as he watched Rin reveal himself, blue eyes drifting to his partner's face, waiting for words to make things clearer. His attention traveled back to Rin’s lower body as the redhead spread his legs to reveal his inner thighs, and held his breath. Haru could not help the small gasp that escaped his mouth as he surveyed what was being shown to him, unsure exactly what he was looking at, but knowing it was anything but healthy. He looked over the dozens upon dozens of thin lines, some silvery scars, others scabbed over, and some appeared fairly new in their redness. Through the fog of dread that had rapidly clouded his head, he heard Rin’s voice. 

 

Despite being reluctant to begin, once Rin started speaking, the words poured out like they had been held in for too long. The dam restraining his pain finally gave way, and years of anguish and isolation washed over Haru. “I was so lonely in Australia, and so young. No one understood my words, my swimming was pitiful, the other boys were changing and maturing, and I was a puny runt with a squeaky foreign voice. I was so alone, Haru. I was wasting my mother’s faith and money, and I was failing my dad every single day I was there.” 

 

Haru leaned forward to run his hands along the cuts, gently caressing the marks that were dangerously lined up like vicious matchsticks along Rin’s powerful thighs. These were legs that Haru had often envied for their size, strength, and ability to bend to the swimmer’s will, propelling him forward as he forced his way through the water. 

 

“I felt this pressure building up inside me, this rage and anxiety, and swimming wasn’t letting it out. Swimming was causing it, making it worse. I felt trapped in my own body, I needed to get the frailty out of me so I could keep going, keep pushing. Watching my own feeble blood leave my body finally made me feel productive and in control of something. Every time I did it, for just a second, it felt like it was working.”

 

Haru ran his thumb along one particularly lengthy and jagged cut on Rin’s right leg, high up on his groin. Haru had imagined touching Rin here numerous times, but never like this, not witnessing the physical scars of Rin’s most formidable inner demons.

 

“What is this one? It’s different than the others.”

 

The first lone tear escaped Rin’s eyes as he swallowed down his mortification. “That was just before our relay together. After Mikoshiba kicked me off the Samezuka medley team.”

 

There was a long pause and Haru waited for Rin to go on, providing a better explanation for a cut that looked twice as long and deeper than any of the others. It looked angry, like it represented exactly how Rin had been feeling when he created it.

 

“I didn't give in that night, but I couldn't sleep and my mind wouldn't shut off. I was barely holding it together the next day, the day of the relay. You saw that. After I fucked up the hundred free, I didn’t know what to do. So I did the only thing that had ever brought me even a moment of peace, even if it always made me feel even more like a failure after awhile. I didn’t have any of my loose razor blades on me, so-” Rin halted suddenly, teeth digging into his bottom lip, face turned as far away from Haru’s as it could get. 

 

Haru moved his hands from Rin’s lower body up to his cheeks. He pulled Rin’s head towards him, burying it in the crook of his shoulder, and wrapped Rin in what he hoped was a comforting hold. One hand moved up to card slender fingers through flaming hair. 

 

“I dug through the trash, I was looking for anything I could use. I found a glass bottle. I broke it, and I used the sharpest piece and I just...I...I had no control over what I was doing, I was too upset to be as focused as it normally made me. It got...a little away from me. It wouldn’t stop bleeding. I'd just about got it under control when Ai came busting into the bathroom looking for me, so I almost got caught, and my first thought was ‘forget it, maybe I’ll just bleed out here in this nasty stall’.

 

Haru’s fingers stilled their motions in Rin’s hair at the last remark. It took all his willpower to not react, to not say something that would make Rin pull away. He did not want to do anything to potentially drive Rin back to this destructive emotional release, this monster with soul-crushing power, that had been hiding underneath legskins and track pants for years.

 

“Then I realized that would be my biggest failure yet, it’s like I saw myself from the outside, just for a second, and then I needed to get out of that bathroom, away from the glass, away from the blood. I didn’t know what I was doing exactly but, then I ran into Ai again in the hallway, he’d been waiting for me, and well. You saw the rest.”

 

“So two years ago was the last time?”

 

Rin lifted his head to look Haru in the eyes. He looked devastated at the admission that was about to come out of his mouth. “Three weeks ago was the last time. But I’m fine now. I’m fine.”

 

“Rin,” Haru felt equally destroyed. In his memory, he frantically flipped through their conversations, their video calls, their texts, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. He knew Rin was not feeling confident about being apart or being abroad, but had no idea as to the extent of his struggle. 

 

“ _Gomen_ , Haru,” Rin mumbled, as the tears finally started flowing. He lay his forehead back down against Haru’s rapidly dampening shoulder, as his breath shuddered and hitched. Haru rubbed unhurried, comforting circles on Rin’s back.

 

“I don’t need an apology, Rin.”

 

“I don’t know what that means. What do you need from me?”

 

“No,” Haru backtracked. “I don’t need anything _from_ you. I just need you. You try so hard to be things for other people, a worthy son, a protective brother, your father’s dream, the perfect partner, the team’s captain. What do you do for you?”

 

Rin shook his head as he let out an ugly chuckle, and gestured down at his mutilated thighs. “This, I guess. This is for me.”

 

Haru took the tear-stained face in front of him in his hands. Rin’s cheeks were hot and his eyes held so much pain and self-loathing, it hurt Haru to look at him in such a state. He thought Rin’s suffering was behind him, he thought he could handle another year overseas. He thought he would come back whole this time. He never realized Rin had not been entirely intact since sixth grade, perhaps even since his father died.

 

“Rin, I hate Australia.”

 

“It’s not Australia’s fault, it’s me. I wanted to get back what I lost there, that’s why I went. One year of training before coming home for university and swimming with you. One year for a giant ‘fuck you’ to the country that almost ruined me.”

 

“I don’t want to blame you. I want to blame Australia.”

 

“But that's where you found your dream, Haru.”

 

“No. It was you who showed it to me. You get the credit, not that place.”

 

Rin knew he would never win an argument with Haru if he dug his heels in, so he gave this one up. “Go ahead. Hate Australia, I pretty much hate it too.”

 

“Did something specific happen? You seemed pretty down towards the end, but you always made it sound like things were still progressing.” Haru was irritated with himself, how he had missed his boyfriend’s forced smiles and false cheer, how he did not see through the facades to what was breaking Rin down. Not for the first time, he cursed the distance that had been between them all the years they had been separated by an ocean, and tried to count the number of occurrences that Rin had tried to convince Haru that he was fine _fine **fine**_. 

 

“I got in my own way. I let a few shitty comments get under my skin, it affected my times, that made me think about my swimming too much, which made my times even worse. I sprained my ankle while I was out running so my coach sat me out of a meet. I assumed it was because of my times and so instead of talking to her about it, I retreated and got resentful. It’s like I didn’t grow up at all, Haru.”

 

“I remember when you twisted your ankle, but you never mentioned you missed out on a competition because of it.”

 

“That’s because I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want you to think I was slipping because I wasn’t swimming with you. I couldn’t heap all that pressure or guilt on you. Again.”

 

“So you heaped it on yourself.”

 

“It’s what I do. I’m a giant fuck-up, Haru.”

 

“You’re _my_ giant fuck-up, Rin.”

 

Rin rolled his eyes. “Anyway, it’s like I was suddenly back to being 14 years old. Same place, same club, same problems. So. Same quick fix. And once I went down that road again, I just couldn’t stop, except this time I was horrified every time I thought about what you would say if you knew. Thinking about that didn’t get me to stop, but it made it so I didn’t even get that moment of relief when I cut.”

 

“Is that why you skipped New Years?”

 

Rin hung his head. “I couldn’t face you,” he whispered. “I chose cutting over you.”

 

“No. You chose trying to take care of yourself over traveling to see me. Maybe a little misguided in execution, but it’s not wrong to think of yourself, Rin.” 

 

“Haru, I’ve got to be one of the most selfish people you’ve ever known. Don’t make this into something deserving of praise,” Rin snorted at Haru’s attempt to turn self-harm into anything worthy.

 

“I’m not,” Haru explained. “I’m trying to show you how to give yourself the same leeway you give other people.”

 

“I need help, Haru,” Rin murmured under his breath, almost hoping his partner would not hear this concession to his pride.

 

“You do.” Haru tightened his grip on Rin’s hands, smoothing his thumbs across Rin’s knuckles. “Maybe tomorrow we can look into therapists who know how to work with wanting to hurt yourself.”

 

Rin kept his eyes averted.

 

“Rin, you can talk to me too. Not about this again if you don’t want, but anytime you think you want to cut, call me or text me. I’ll leave class, I’ll get out of the pool or bath, I’ll do whatever I need to do to be with you. I can’t fix anything, but I want to be a part of your healing.”

 

“Haru, I can’t ask you-” Trailing off, Rin looked incredulously up at his boyfriend.

 

“You aren’t asking me to do anything, Rin. I’m offering. I love you, I want to be here for you. You can't stop me from being here for you.” Haru’s eyes glowed like the blue of the hottest flame. “I wish you’d have let me in over the last 9 months, I would have listened then, and I'll listen now.”

 

Haru looked at Rin’s face, which was weary and shattered. But the longer Haru stared, the more he realized that Rin also seemed lighter than he’d looked in awhile. Haru had not noticed any gradual shifting in Rin’s appearance over video calls, seeing him just often enough to miss the shadows darkening under his eyes, the tension increasing around his mouth, the more rigid set of his jaw. 

 

Haru let go of Rin’s hands. He moved until he was bent over his boyfriend’s lap and gently ran his hands along Rin’s muscular thighs. He leaned over to press soft kisses along every scar he could see and get his lips on. He was especially gentle on the largest cut, the pain from that fateful relay day expressed in disfigurement, a permanent reminder of failure, but also of friendship, forgiveness, absolution. 

 

“Haru, stop. They aren’t worth your time or affection.”

 

“No, but you are. You’re worth everything to me,” Haru murmured as he continued assuaging Rin’s pain the only way he could think of in that moment, not with words but with tender devotion poured over old wounds.

 

Rin could not believe he had spoken those last thoughts aloud, but felt relieved at the response, one in which Haru was not repulsed by Rin’s method of dealing with his internal battles. He was overwhelmed, feeling too much, he wanted to shut it all out. 

 

“Haru,” he choked out, and gave the sooty hair a tug. “Stop, please come back up here.”

 

Haru rose back up and looked Rin directly in the eyes. “I love you.”

 

Rin held Haru's gaze and took a few shallow breaths. “I want to right now. I’m completely maxed out on how I’m feeling and I feel like I want to explode. My legs are itchy, my fingers are restless, and it’s all I’m thinking about.”

 

Haru tilted his head to side and watched Rin quaking. “We’ll need to do more research on things we can use to attack this, and we can ask a therapist once we find one, but I have an idea.”

 

Rin looked at Haru, hopeful but wary. “Haru, no water.”

 

“No, not water. What about painting?”

 

“Painting?” Rin raised his eyebrows so far they practically disappeared. “I don’t know how to do art, I draw like a toddler.”

 

“It’s not to strive for perfection, it’s just art to make something, to move your hands, a distraction. A new focus on creating instead of harming. You could use your fingers or a brush or even splatter it, if you want.”

 

Rin’s eyes lit up. “Do you have anything around the house or is there a studio you’re thinking of? I think I’d need something ready at any moment, you know?”

 

The corners of Haru’s mouth tilted up and sapphire eyes twinkled. “Let me show you my studio. You remember my parents don’t live here anymore.”

 

Rin followed Haru out of his bedroom and across the hall to what had been his parent’s bedroom. Haru opened the door and Rin was awestruck. Haru had turned the sizable room into his own personal art studio. The floor and bed were covered with old sheets, and there were two easels set up. A cabinet in the corner housed a variety of charcoals, pencils, oil pastels, watercolors, and acrylic paints, as well as assorted canvases, paint brushes, turpentine, rags, and smocks.

 

“You should use this whenever you need this summer, let out what you have to let out,” Haru offered. “It might not end up being exactly what you require long-term but it might help.”

 

Rin turned to Haru and gathered him in a crushing hug. “I don’t deserve you. How are you not phased by all my shit, all the time? I’m a fucking disaster, Haru.”

 

“Because you’re you, not a disaster, and I think you’re pretty amazing. And amazingly pretty. And I’m just as surprised you deal with me all the time, too,” Haru acknowledged without hesitating. “You make me happy, Rin. I think we make a good team.”

 

“You think if you say ‘team’ I’ll believe anything, don’t you?” Rin grunted and shook his head. 

 

“So do you want me to leave you to it?” Haru disengaged and got ready to make his leave, already planning to begin some research on local counselors and self-harm alternatives. 

 

“No!” Rin shook his head. “Stay. Paint with me. I want to be together right now.”

 

Haru inclined his head and moved to grab the two aprons from the shelving. He tossed one to Rin, and began to tie the other at the back of his own waist. Rin chose black paint and a brush and stepped over to one of the easels. Haru came and clipped a canvas to it and gave his arm a squeeze, before choosing his own medium. They stood side by side, shaping their feelings into something tangible, positive, and productive.

 

Eventually Rin’s emotional fatigue caught up with him. He swayed on his feet, as he looked over at Haru, as he walked away from his easel. Rin’s breath escaped him in a puff as he looked at what his partner had created. It had a yellow and grey mottled background with light blue shot through it in streaks. In the middle was a large, rough cloud of white, with two large tangles of dark red scribbled harshly on each side of it. It was chaotic and jarring but it all worked together. Rin felt it looked painful and seemed like it ached for something, for a resolution, for peace. Rin was still staring at it when Haru came back over from cleaning his brushes. 

 

“What do you think?”

 

Rin shared his thoughts and Haru hummed in agreement. “It’s how I felt while you were showing me how you dealt with Australia. Thank you for trusting me with this, Rin. I’m here for you, any time you need me.”

 

Rin screwed his eyes shut for a moment, and when he opened them, Haru was still standing next to him. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**_Follow me through the dark  
Let me take you past our satellites_ **

 

Haru watched Rin lay down, pull the blankets up around himself, and tuck an extra pillow against his chest, bringing his knees up to curl himself around it. Haru marveled at how he had always slept the same way, holding something close to him, protecting himself from life’s onslaught. Haru had the sudden urge to be the person doing that for Rin, so he did not have to feel as though he was all alone. Haru wanted to shield him, cushion him, prevent him from plummeting again to his inner rock bottom.

 

“ _Oyasumi_ , Haru.”

 

“Goodnight, Rin.” Haru kissed Rin’s forehead, where the worry lines were already smoothing out as he swiftly drifted off to sleep.

 

He turned away and headed to his laptop, determined to cultivate a list of therapists for Rin to choose from, and arm himself with information on how to provide support and reinforcement on the road ahead.

 

Haru ignored the occasional salty drops that landed on his keyboard, as the significance of the evening settled on his shoulders. He felt an odd sense of relief and responsibility, as he hoped that by carrying some of Rin’s turbulent burden, Haru could offer him respite from bearing it alone. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**_You're the only thing I wanna touch_ **  
**_Never knew that it could mean so much, so much_ **

 

“ _Tadaima_ , Haru.”

 

“ _Okaeri_. How did it go?”

 

“Look at this list. Dr. Yamamoto has an entire binder of ideas and coping techniques that are supposed to be solid alternatives to cutting. She’s compiled it anonymously from patients who've found things that work.” Rin handed over the sheet of paper filled with notes from his session.

 

“Was talking helpful?” 

 

“Yeah, I mean, she listened to anything I had to say and didn’t react to anything like it’s the nuttiest thing she’s ever heard. Which, let’s face it, let’s hope it isn’t. I don’t think I’m that crazy.”

 

“You’re not crazy, Rin. So tell me some of the options.”

 

Rin reached over to point out a few items on the list. “Short ice-cold showers, using my leg to press my arm against the bottom of a table, kneading and punching bread dough, rolling clay against my thigh, heading to a batting cage, jumping rope like a 10-year old girl, composing music, the list goes on and on. Oh wait, I forgot this one, drip red food coloring slowly into a tall glass of water.”

 

“Like watching drops of blood?” Haru could not help but make the connection.

 

“I guess. It’s supposed to be soothing and therapeutic given the issue,” Rin shrugged a shoulder.

 

Haru nodded in agreement. “Do you like any of them?”

 

“I’m willing to try anything, although I don’t know what I think about cold showers. I’ve taken those plenty, you know?” Rin looked up at Haru, feeling the most relaxed he had been in months. “I think I’d like to learn how to make bread though. That would actually be something useful and, well, nourishing. I think, if I could find something that would be the opposite of what I was doing, that would be really good, you know? Like, I spent years damaging myself in a way, and maybe I can do something that sustains me instead.”

 

“Love yourself with bread,” Haru looked amused.

 

“I guess, although you make it sound kinda weird.”

 

“Bread love.”

 

“Stop, Haru.”

 

“My grandmother made _shokupan_ every week, and milk bread for special occasions. I’m sure my mother still knows the recipes, I could get them from her, if you’d like.” Haru stated sincerely, wanting to be useful.

 

“I’d love that. I wonder if she could even show me sometime. Bread making is one of those things that gets passed down in families, it’d be kinda like, well, just, nevermind,” Rin stammered and blushed, as he tore his gaze away from the cobalt eyes that were studying him acutely. He bit his bottom lip in an attempt to stop the roller coaster of emotions that was always threatening to take him for a ride.

 

Haru nodded while a calm smile spread across his face. “I know what you’re saying. That thought makes me really happy, Rin.”

 

“You know what, Haru?”

 

“What?”

 

“I don’t want to chase demons and lay ghosts to rest. I just want to feel happy and like I’m not alone,” Rin reached over to clutch his boyfriend’s hands. 

 

Haru squeezed back reassuringly, and leaned forward to gently rest their foreheads together. “You are not alone, Rin. You have lots of people who love you and support you, no matter what.” 

 

Rin nodded, as he blinked back tears and swallowed past the welling emotion in his throat. He relished the comfort of their hands linked, their heads touching, and being nurtured so fiercely by another soul. Yet again, it was startlingly clear that Haru always had been, and always would be, resolutely present in his life, pushing him, pulling him, saving him. “I know I’m going to be fine.”

 

**_You can see the world you brought to life, to life_ **

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I am by no means an expert, and hope I did this topic justice.
> 
> I had a friend who cut in HS, and I remember a few of our conversations about how she was feeling and why she did it. I used a few phrases that are pretty close to how she described it, as well as a few coping techniques that were suggested to her. Her sister would paint with her when she needed help and other things weren’t working. It seemed like something that would occur to Haru and a support he’d be able to provide to Rin.
> 
> If you need help, here is a website with a fairly comprehensive list of resources available to you:  
> [Self-Harm Resources](http://oneloveallequal.org/2016/08/24/self-harm-hotlines)
> 
>    
> This is the image I had in mind describing Haru's painting ( _Pain in My Heart_ by Ines Klich).  
> 
> 
> Last note! I listened to [Love Me Like You Do](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBVyqK2IW_g) (one of my ultimate RH songs) to make myself feel better after editing this, and suddenly this work became a songfic and had a new title. There's even an amazing [RH AMV](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBPsppkcCaU) for this track if you need an emotional pick-me-up after reading this (it's so well done and lovely).


End file.
